After the fire, Ashes remain
by AlwaysEverlark
Summary: Everything changed a day like today but three years ago. This exact day but three years back, I lost the two people in the world I cared most about, but I'm going to try to recover one. Written for round 7 of Prompts in Panem, day 6.
1. Chapter 1

"After the fire, ashes remain"

Katniss

Everything changed a day like today but three years ago. This exact day but three years back, I lost the two people in the world I cared most about: one to a fire that burnt my house to ashes; the other because I was a coward.

But this is why I'm here sitting in my car, outside of Mellark's bakery at 4.30 am. I'm not even sure if Peeta will want to talk to me after how I disappeared once I was discharged from the hospital, but I need to explain my reasons to him, and overall I need to tell him how I feel.

Some car's headlights blind me and bring me back to reality. A car stops by the bakery, a fancy red car with a pretty blonde woman inside it with someone else, but I can't make out the other person. I pray to a God I don't believe in, that this someone is not Peeta. But when the person hugs him, I can make out a curly mop of blond hair and there is no mistake. To confirm my suspicion, the man gets out the car and I can see him stand in front on me. He looks just the same, handsome, strong and kind, you can tell by the way he smiles.

He enters the bakery and closes the door, but I can't get up from my seat, I need some seconds to recover my courage. In the meantime, he switches on the lights and then disappears though the kitchen's door.

I breathe deeply, just as my therapist, Dr. Aurelius taught me: "I have to do this, I need to do this," I repeat as a mantra to myself. I picture again his smile, the one he just flashed to the blonde woman and I remind myself how these last years have been without his smile. I pull myself together and head to the door, but before I knock it, he reappears in the front store with a tray in his hands. As he could sense me, his gaze locks with mine and he stops abruptly.

I wave shyly with my hand, but I don't get any indication of what he is thinking, because his face is like a mask and he stands looking at me like I was a ghost . Finally he reacts and leaves the tray in the counter and comes slowly to the door. I notice a slight limp in his walk, and a wave of guilt goes through my body.

He opens the door but says nothing, so I take my chance to speak to him for the first time in three years.

"Hi Peeta, can I come in?" I say politely trying to maintain a neutral tone, just as I have rehearsed the last months. Not too distant, not too emotional.

He nods with his head and motions me inside, but still no word escapes his mouth. I knew I had to lead this conversation, but I'm not good with the talking and suddenly I'm really scared to mess it up again, and my mind goes blank for a couple of seconds.

"Please, sit down," he says saving the moment, "Would you like something to eat? I was going to have breakfast myself."

"Sure, thanks. Do you need help?" I ask as he goes to the back but he shakes his head and I wait sitting on one of the chairs.

When he comes back with tea and some pastries I can see there are no cheese buns or cinnamon rolls in the assortment, why should they, anyway, after those long years? It's not like I'm expecting him to remember everything about me, although I remember every detail of our relationship, but that fact doesn't make it less hurtful and my heart clenches.

"So..." he says without elaborating anymore.

"How… how have you been doing?" I ask, my voice trembling.

"Are we going to do small talk, now?" he asks rolling his eyes and with a sharpness in his voice I'm not used to hear.

"No, it is... I mean, I missed… the bakery," I say instead of I missed you.

"Listen, Katniss, if all you want is a coffee and something to eat there are a lot of bakeries in Panem. I can give you their addresses," with that he gets up from the chair and starts walking away from me.

"No!" I scream scared, because everything is going wrong, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that, you know I'm terrible with words."

"I don't know you anymore, Katniss" he says shaking his head.

"That isn't true, Peeta. I'm still the same person. Just give me some minutes…"

"Of course," he says dismissively "because three years haven't been enough, right?"

"This is not fair, Peeta, I'm here to…" but before I can finish my sentence and say "apologize," he erupts and starts yelling.

"Why do you think I care about what you are here now? You ran away when I needed you more. You left me, Katniss, at the hospital. I felt like nothing, like less than nothing. I wanted to die."

"I'm sorry," I yell too "I was confused and mentally disoriented. I had lost Prim!"

"Yes, I had lost Prim too and a leg… but what killed me was that I lost you," he says approaching me. "What did you want me to do? What the hell I was supposed to do? C'mon Katniss, say it."

I know it isn't a good idea, I've been working hard to try to get over that night, but here in Panen, in front of the man that I know loved me more than his own life, I say what I promised myself I wouldn't say.

"You had to save her, not me," I reproach him.

"I tried to save you both, Katniss. When I got home it was already burning, I called the firemen and got inside looking for both of you. I couldn't see because of the smoke, the ashes and the fire, I screamed your name and Prim's but I got no response. I went upstairs and finally found both of you passed out in her bed. I tried to take Prim and you on my back, but I couldn't, I was coughing and suffocating by then, so I had to make a decision and I got you first! You were more pale that Prim so I took you out and I came back to look for Prim, but the stairs collapsed under me, and I can't remember anything else. Doctors told me that firemen found me but my leg was trapped and burnt and they couldn't save it, they couldn't even reach Prim. That house was like hell. I tried, Katniss, I tried to save her but you didn't give me the chance to explain it to you. You just vanished from my life".

"I know now, Peeta, but then I was mad at you, because you could have saved her and you didn't".

"Don't you think I feel guilty because I couldn't save her. I have nightmares every night! and now you are here to tell me what I already know… I don't need your forgiveness Katniss, I don't want you anymore, I'm trying to move on with my life."

"Oh yes! I saw you with your girlfriend outside. I wouldn't say you needed too much time to recover after my sister's death," I spit with venom.

"It is not your business, Katniss, but Cashmere is not my girlfriend… yet," he says looking at me defiantly.

"I don't care about your love life Peeta! I just came to say that I was sorry but it doesn't matter anymore," I say slamming the door when I get out, but when I feel the fresh air I come back to my senses and turn around to see him on the threshold. "I know I was wrong, and deep down I wanted to be mad at you because that was easier than accepting that it was my fault because I was the one who fell asleep that night without switching off our old heater, I was responsible for Prim's death and now all I have left are ashes. That's all I wanted to say. Good bye."

"Katniss…" I hear him calling my name, but I don't look back and I run to my car to get out from here as fast as I can, tears dropping on my face.

I drive for a long time with no destination, but when I reach Panem's goodbye sign I stop the car and begin to burst into tears. I did all the things Dr. Aurelius told me not to do: I yelled at him, I blamed him, I made it personal and I was nasty to Peeta, I blamed myself … and worst, I ran away again. But if there is something I've learnt in the last months is that it was an accident, it wasn't anybody's fault and I deserve good things in my life.

I'm not going to give up, this time I'm going to fight for Peeta, maybe he doesn't want me anymore in a romantic way, but we can still be friends.

To Be Continued….

-/-/-/-

Thanks to Inmyfavor and Javistg for their help beta'ing this story.

I wanted to explore the part in Mockingjay when the bomb explodes in The City Circle (Snow mansion), Prim dies and Peeta saves Katniss, but from a AU perspective.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Peeta

When I arrive home, I drop everything I carry on the floor. I don't care if the entrance to my house is a shambles right now. I head to the fridge and grab a beer. After a long sip, I let my body relax a little.

This can't be happening, I say to myself for the hundredth time today. This wasn't supposed to happen, not now. Not ever. I had lost hope in her, in me… in us. Us, I whisper.

Although I've said it in a low tone, my voice startles me and I'm glad no one is here to see the mess I am. I hide my face in my hands in a vain attempt to escape reality, to shut the past out of my mind; a past that has taken me ages to relegate to a dark place of my brain. My heart broke the day Katniss left me. And I can feel its shattered pieces, shrinking under the weight of a past so painful it still brings me down to my knees. Because, in a way, Prim wasn't the only one who died that night, it was all three of us. That's the tragedy of this situation.

I take the beer again, and I drink while I step into the small living room of my apartment. It's so different from the old house we shared. That was one of the reasons why I rented it. This flat was brand new, impersonal and high. I couldn't see the tree branches through the windows here, just the top of them. It was located in a new neighbourhood too; far away from my old life. Our old life, I remind myself.

It's weird, surreal even, to think again about a life where I was a complete person; where I had a family I felt I belonged to ¡God knows my other family didn't care too much for me! But I was ok, because Prim and Katniss were real.

This last year I tried to put as much distance from my past as I could. I was determined, not to start a new life, because as I said before a big part of me died 3 years ago, but at least to live a life where the pain was bearable, and I thought I was going in the right direction, that I had taken the right steps. Yesterday I was even able to help Cashmere with her loss. I was able to forget my own empty heart for a moment, and to console her. We kissed,it wasn't a passionate kiss but a comforting one... and then, in thirty minutes or less, that illusion has gone flying.

Because Katniss has always had an effect on me that she's never been totally aware of; only this time, it hasn't been a good effect, it's been devastating.

"No way!" I yell at my four walls as I smash the beer bottle against the floor. I'm mad at her, and at me. Because for one moment, when I saw her in pain, fragile and nearly in tears, for one tiny moment she got to me again. Luckily, she ran away, as she always does, and that brought me back to my senses. Although I'm not going to pretend that I haven't spent all day acting like a zombie around the bakery. I got burnt twice, once on the arm, and another time on my left hand. And, according to Rue, one of the people who helps me run the business, I let a tray full of cheese buns fall from my hands after I'd been staring at them for a while. Cheese buns, of course. It must be destiny mocking me.

I'm sitting on the couch when a jab runs over my body. It starts from the point my prosthetic joins my leg… another painful reminder. I'm about to take my phone out, ready to smash it against something, when a text arrives and stops the destructive spiral I'm in. Probably it will be from Finnick, or Annie, as this weekend I'll go to their house for a barbecue. It's our small ritual since Alex was born and I was chosen as his Godfather. I'm not in the mood now, so I push it aside and lie my head on the cushion to rest for a bit. I don't want to sleep. If I do, the nightmares will invade my body and head. I know that for sure. Katniss brought them with her this morning, not that I don't have them sometimes anyway, but I'm certain that today they will be worse and haunting.

Minute by minute, second by second, the room grows darker. I feel sleep claiming me, but I know from experience that doing nothing but complain, and letting time pass by, isn't the smartest move. Routines are what helped me last time, what I needed to get out of the hole. I go to the kitchen to cook something, when I remember the text that arrived before.

It's from Katniss. This is her old number. I thought she had canceled her line, but it seems she just hasn't used it in the last two years. I know that because I called her every single night for two years, just to hear her voicemail saying: "Hi this is Katniss, please leave your message"

How the hell did she get my number? How does she dare text me? I refuse to read it, so I leave it on the table and start pacing my small apartment; up and down, down and up until I make up my mind. I'll delete it, I decide. I'm going to delete it. I'm not going to let one single text from her disturb my life... but when I take the phone, and I see the screen with her name on it, I just can't.

"Hi, this is Katniss. I'm sorry. I didn't want to say the things I said, or to run away Peeta. I know I owe you my life, and I'm sorry for the pain I caused you. I'm not going to ask you to be my friend again, but I'd like to have your forgiveness… some day. Always Yours."

I read it several times, not sure about how I feel. There are a lot of emotions mixed in my heart, so many thoughts in my brain. In the end, it's the anger, and the sense of self-preservation what wins. I furiously type an answer.

"How did you get my number?" It's the only thing I can think about.

"It was Annie, please don't get angry with them," I read.

I can imagine her, biting her lip and frowning while typing, like she always did when she was concerned about something. I can picture her so vividly that tears start wetting my face.

"Damn it, Katniss!" I exclaim. I need to stop this right now, or she'll destroy me again.

"Don't text or call me anymore...please" I write. When I finish typing a dense silence falls over me. I hate this type of silence, because curiously, it's a silence that speaks for itself, and a silence I know too well, because it has visited me more than I'd like to acknowledge. It's the silence that surrounds you when you have lost everything that matters to you.

"I need a shower," I sigh. But before I can go to the bathroom, the phone rings with the melody Alex chose for my phone, a song from The Lion King, his favourite.

"How are you?" I hear Finnick saying on the other side of the line.

"How do you think I am, Finnick?" I yell at him, or better, at the speaker. "What was Annie thinking, giving my phone to Katniss!"

"It wasn't Annie. It was me, Peeta."

"Oh well, in that case I'm fine!" I answer ironically. "She just sent me a text, and she visited me before, in the bakery."

"I know, she called me a few minutes ago. She wanted to tell me that you knew we gave her your mobile number."

"What were you thinking, Finnick?" I ask in disbelief.

"I was thinking about you, and her."

"How come? How could you think that, Finnick? After the last three years…" I finish waiting for a logical explanation from my friend.

"Because you've been miserable, Peeta. You still are. And avoiding Katniss is not going to help you, not a little bit. I can understand that you're angry now, it's a shock, for us too. But you know, you need answers to your questions, and to give your relationship closure… or a chance.""

"You must be joking!"

"I'm not joking. And you know I'm right, my friend. You are smart enough to accept it." His voice transmits the sadness he's feeling. "We're on your side, and we're always going to be here for you, because you are a part of this family, but if you want to truly move on with your life, you have to face her."

"I was doing doing just fine without your help," I spit at him.

"That's not true. When was the last time you were out with someone, besides Annie and me, or your friends from the support group?"

"Yesterday."

"Yesterday you were in the support group, Peeta!"

"Yes, and after that, I went to have dinner with Cashmere. She was having a tough time, it was the fifth anniversary of her son's death. We went to her house and…."

"Fuck, Peeta! Did you sleep with her? That was a terrible idea!" he lectures me.

"No! I just kissed her, or she kissed me… I'm not sure. But it was nice Finnick, I forgot my pain for a moment and felt alive for a brief instant. But then everything went away when she, when Katniss, came into the bakery, and now the messages. It's just too much for one day. Can you understand me?"

"Yes, I can. Listen, do you want me to go by your house tonight?"

"No, I'm fine, or I'll be. I just need a shower and some rest, ok?"

"Ok, as you want. Will we see you on Sunday?"

"Yes, of course! I'll be there. But, no surprises this time, Finnick. I need to think and digest all that has happened in the last hours. Please," I beg.

"Don't worry, buddy, only the family. Good night, Peeta."

"Good night, Finnick."

The rest of the week passes by as a dream. I go through the motions automatically. I've had no news from Katniss since the other day. I wonder if she's left town. I should be glad, I tell myself. But the truth is that I look at my phone every 5 minutes to see if there are any texts from her, and when I find it empty, I can't help but feel an unpleasant sensation that's very similar to disappointment.

Maybe Finnick's right and I should talk to her… but not yet. I'm not ready for it.

Sunday arrives and it's a beautiful autumn day. Multicolored leaves cover the ground, creating a soft carpet. I drive for nearly thirty minutes, out of the city. Finnick and Annie moved here when Alex was born, they wanted to raise him in the country, where he could play in the garden and breathe a healthy air. I arrive to their house and knock on the door. I can hear Alex calling my name though the closed door, and a smile comes to my face.

When Finnick opens the door, the little boythrows his arms around me.

"Hey! Hey, easy boy," I say teasing him "or you'll hurt your old uncle."

"You're not old, uncle Peeta!" he chuckles, and I kiss him on the cheeks.

"So, what's going on buddy?" I ask, waiting for his usual stories about school.

"I'm great, uncle Peeta, and so excited! Because we have another guest today, and she is really pretty," he says, whispering the last part into my ear. I look at Finnick with accusing eyes, begging him to tell me that what I'm imagining isn't true.

"I lied," says Finnick, shrugging his shoulder. "C'mere let's go. They're waiting by the swimming pool." With that, he turns around and I follow him, feeling a cold wave freezing my heart.

-/-/-/-/

thanks to Javistg for her support with the translation!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Katniss

When I see him approaching with Finnick through the glass panel of the corridor and living room, nausea raises from my stomach. Before coming today, to Annie and Finnick's house, I threw up breakfast and possibly dinner too. I'm nervous, so nervous and so scared of his reaction, of him telling me he doesn't want to see me again, and of losing him from my life permanently, as permanently as death. He is frowning and his mouth is tight. This is not a good sign The only time I saw him frowning in the past was about something his mother said or did, and Peeta wants nothing to do with his mother.

"This has been a terrible idea, Annie" I say, squeezing my hands and lowering my gaze to the red autumn soil. "We shouldn't have pushed him so much, it's too early".

"Katniss, calm down. Peeta is upset and angry.I do understand his point, but he is Peeta after all."

"I don't know. I'm not sure. He's been through a lot because of me, and he was very clear the other day when he said he wanted to be left alone" I say, nearly in tears.

Annie turns around and caresses my cheek smiling sweetly. "It will be alright, both of you need to talk."

"Why are you both so good to me?" I ask "I don't deserve it."

Annie stays quiet for a moment and then she says, "Because we love you", and she leaves to Peeta and Finnick's encounter.

They are standing near the barbecue, and I'm standing by the swimming pool, when I hear Alex shouting and laughing while he plays with his puppy.

"Don't! Don't Cobi!" he commands the little dog, trying to get back his ball from Cobi.

I approach him and kneel down to be at his height. "Hey, what's going on?" I say smiling and running my fingers through his bronze hair, so similar to his father's color.

"He doesn't give back the ball," he pouts pointing to the dog's mouth.

"Do you want me to help you? I know some tricks…"

He doesn't answer but nods firmly.

"Well, this is a trick I learnt from my sister. She didn't have a dog, her pet was a cat, but I guess it could work."

I try to focus on what I'm doing and not on the stab of pain I feel when I mention my dead sister.

I recover the ball from him, and my eyes fly in that moment to find Peeta's, looking for comfort, for understanding, like I always did in the past. Surprisingly, I find him watching us. Like the other day in the bakery, I can't read his expression. I can't go through his mind like I used to do in the past. That worries me, a lot, because "what if he is right? what if we don't know each other anymore?" I wasn't ready for that when I came here. I knew it was going to be difficult; that he wasn't going to forgive me only because I decided to return to Panem. But somehow, I thought we'd find our way back to each other, "Was I silly for keeping hope alive?"

A single tear falls from my eye. I quickly wipe it away and look the other way. I stand up, hoping no one has realized.

"Katniss?" I hear Alex' voice "Are you sad?"

I look down at him. He is hugging my leg, looking at me with the same big, green eyes he has inherited from his mother.

"Of course not!" I reassure him, while thinking how kids can be so intuitive. Prim had that feature too.

"Ok. In that case you want to play catch-the-ball with me? he asks, all excited.

"I'll be delighted! Can you explain how to play?"

"Sure, but we need a third person at least," he says. He starts running towards Peeta before I can stop him.

"Uncle Peeta, uncle Peeta! We're going to play catch-the-ball! Since you were the one who taught me how to play, and you love it, do you want to play with Katniss and me?"

"Oh! I'd love to Alex, but I have to help your father with this barbecue. You know I'm the best cook here," he says, trying to control his voice, though I can notice a sharp tone hidden in it.

Alex looks really disappointed, he's about to reply something when Finnick says "I don't need you at all, Peeta! Go and play with your godson."

"Finnick..." Peeta says menacing.

But Finnick answers "Alex has been waiting to play with you the whole week, Peeta. It's all he talks about. Do you really want to lose that moment with him? Because I don't think you do. Don't be stubborn and go with him."

I can tell this situation has all the elements to end up as a Greek tragedy, and Peeta's grave face only confirms my suspicion.

"Ok, let's play!" Alex exclaims, jumping to show his excitement after explaining to us, or better said to me, the rules " uncle Peeta you are in the middle."

The game is quite easy. Three people stand in line. The people on the outside throw the ball to the person in the middle, if you hit that person, you get a point. But, if the person in the middle catches the ball, the point goes to them and you change positions. Basically, being in the middle sucks.

It's pretty obvious Peeta plays to let Alex win, which is fine by me, but at the same time, he plays to catch my ball… And suddenly, I'm standing in the middle.

"Uncle Peeta, did you know Katniss before? Like mom and dad?"

Peeta doesn't answer at that very moment, I guess he wants to consider his answer to Alex before. "Yes, munchkin. I met Katniss a long time ago, in high school, even before I met your parents"

"That must have been a very long, long, long time ago," he says throwing the ball near my feet. I dodge it. I turn around to look at Peeta as he picks up the ball, and gets ready to make his pitch.

"It was, Alex" I respond, prying in their conversation "and we were friends too."

Peeta throws the ball to me stronger than before. I move faster. I'm agile and the ball doesn't get close to me. It feels like a victory and, though my first instinct is to stick my tongue out at him, I suppress it. We are not exactly in good or friendly terms… Yet at least.

"You don't seem friends," says Alex scowling.

"Why do you say that?" Asks Peeta behind at my back.

"Because you're not friendly with her, like with mom or dad, or with auntie Delly. You are… I don't know, different," and with that he launches the ball to Peeta, but I can't grab it, partly because it's higher than I can jump, but also because I'm too shocked and impressed by his intuition, again.

"It's just that we haven't seen each other for a long time. She left," Peeta answers.

"Why?"

"I had to go. I wasn't ok. I was sick and I went to a place where I could get well." I say, looking at him, but turning around to look at Peeta too. He has to understand that I didn't have a chance. I was mentally disoriented. I travelled for some months, but I can't recall where I was till I found myself in the Capitol.

"And are you better now?" the little boy asks.

"Yes, much better, Alex" I say to him smiling.

"Are you and uncle Peeta going to be friends again?"

"I wish for nothing more." I turn to Peeta just in time to react and grab the ball he's thrown at me, fortunately it's been a mid-height launch, but so hard that my belly hurts where it hit it, and my hands are a little sore too.

"Your turn!" says Alex, with an excitement that indicates he is unaware of his uncle's mood.

When I switch my position in the middle with Peeta I tell him, "it's truePeeta. I came back because I want to be your friend."

"You can't just come back and act as if nothing's happened. You walked away! And now you're here and you want to be friends? Where were you when I needed a friend?" he mutters.

"I failed you, I know. But, I wasn't myself at that moment. If you let me explain."

"No, Katniss. I don't want you to interfere with my life, or be with my friends anymore. It's too late. For Alex' sake let's finish this game and today, and then it's over"

I guess this is what I deserve. I don't know how I could expect anything else from him, but I'm so angry… I take the ball and try to smash it against the grass, but it bounces off and hits Peeta on the knee. He jumps and tries to balance, but I hear some crash. He falls to the ground with a pained scream.

"Peeta!" I scream and run to him "Peeta!" I see Alex running towards the house calling his parents.

He's touching his injured leg with one of his hands, where I suppose the prosthetic is, and his head is hidden between his arm and the ground.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, are you ok? I didn't want to hurt you! Oh please, tell me you are ok!" I touch his head, running my fingers through his hair, trying to soothe him. Slowly he lifts his head and looks at me, his blue eyes bluest than I can remember and his gaze intense. "Are you... are you ok?"

His face reflects his pain, but he nods in confirmation and I can breathe again. He moves his hand and I think he is about to touch my face when we hear Finnick and Annie calling our names. Suddenly, Peeta moves away not only his hand but his head with an abrupt gesture.

"Peeta, what happened? Are you ok?" Finnick Asks, his voice full of concern.

"I slipped," he says not looking at me. "I was trying to avoid the ball, I lost my balance and then slipped, I think my prosthetic is crushed."

"Let me see," Finnick says trying to remove his jeans.

"No, Finnick!" He screams "just, please,walk me inside."

"Ok, buddy. Please Katniss, would you mind looking after Alex?"

I nod and Annie approaches him. Between the two of them, they raise Peeta. Step by step, they disappear inside the house. I stay with Alex trying to calm him down, but not feeling calm myself.

Fifteen minutes later, I see Annie coming to us.

"They've gone to the hospital," she informs me ,"Don't worry, it's nothing serious. The prosthetic is damaged, and his leg is a little bruised, but nothing you need to worry about"

"Oh, Annie" I say.

"Don't worry, he'll be alright."

I can't help but think that every time I'm near him he gets hurt. I'm not good for him. I should vanish from his life just as he asked me.

-/-/-/-/-

Hi everyone, hope you like the chapter but what I really hope is that you don't hate about the incident with the ball and Peeta's prosthetic. I'd really love to know what you think, a simple comment makes my day, so please leave a review, or a fave or follow... It's good to know that someone besides this author cares about this story.

thanks to Javistg for beta'ing this chapter, you are the best and the fastest beta ! I don't know what I would do without you!

Next chapter for Peeta POV.


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